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Why do we always want the fantasy? What makes the fantasy so fantastic (for lack of a better word)? When you actually get what you want, it is never as good as "how it was supposed to be". I want to fall in love with "her". Then "she" can betray my trust. "She" can have more male friends than I've had drinks today. They all want to sleep with "her", like pigeons at the park patiently waiting for their breadcrumbs. "They are only friends", Either "she" is a LIAR, or "she" is unaware. Very unaware. Almost too unaware (not supposed to be funny, but, kind of is).I am having trouble with my re-entry, into the world. Re-entry is a term for people in AA, I use it for reality. I am afraid of SUCCESS, WOMEN, FAILURE, and all the other things you pretend to have no fear of.
If I was to actually one day be able to mildly, humbly succeed and make a mildly good film and secure some kind of menial career, I would be disappointed and still hate it. We never really want what we really want. We want a fantasy of it. A version of what could be reality. Not, what the reality would actually turn into. That fantasy of love and success in life cannot actually occur. Why, because we happen to the fantasy, we always fantasize about what we are not and what we want to be. In the end, we end up in what ever version of the fantasy actually happens, we fuck up the fantasy. Because, if the fantasy happened, I saved the world and got the girl and lived happily ever after, I would have to kill myself. I would not have anything else to dream about. Nothing else to work for. Nothing else to hope for. No hope, that sucks. I am an optimistic cynic, I am a contradiction. Human! We all want others to act the opposite that we do, then we can try to be like them.
posted by Ash @ 5:08 AM
Comments: 2
