Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Well Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw, Slater Is Free To Talk Hard And Grab Hard.

Christian Slater is free to find True Romance after ALLEGEDLY groping a girl while Gleaming The Cube, er, box. He received a deferred sentence, something I know a thing or two about. As long as he doesn't grab ass or rob any casinos in silly Elvis costumes for the next six months, he will be free to do Very Bad Things. Finally he can get back to not really doing anything good since the early 90's and playing strip croquet till his heart's content.
In a related story, President Bush's approval rating is at an almost all time low of 40%.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Stop Talking About This Girl

Natalee Hollaway's mother just won't shut up. Regarding the newly free Joran Van Der Sloot she said today, "no other 17 year old Aruban young man would have abducted and raped a young female American tourist". Clearly, flawless reasoning. A teenage girl on vacation in a foreign country goes off alone with three locals to party all night. Did she have sex with one or all of them? Was it consenting? I don't care. This is what sluts on drugs do. Everybody in America wants to give her mother airtime because she is just so typical of America. Natalee was supposed to symbolize America, lost, hurt and stranded in some alien country. But, she is too typical. She can't actually believe that her angelic daugther would get all drugged up and proceed to service foreigners one after another like Ellis Island. If the truth of her making obviously stupid choices that day were to be more publicized, every parent would say the exact damn same thing after that 60 Minutes episode ended. "Not my kid". Yes, your slutty, drugged, under-educated, street stupid kid.

Monday, September 12, 2005

New Orleans Lives On In The Hearts Of.........Sluts And Drunks

Since day one of the hurricane aftermath orgy of disorder and dehydration. Isn't it ironic that death by dehydration always occurs near tons of water (New Orleans hurricane, middle of the ocean, on ecstasy on the dancefloor etc.)? A few bars, most notably Johnny White's, have been open for business. After a long day of crying over the remains of your house and looting your neighbors, if for no other reason, than because it's still there and yours isn't, you just kinda need a fuckin' drink. Well, Johnny White's is there for you. My friend has this band, they had to cancel their date in New Orleans on their next tour for obvious reasons. I suggested that they still go, use the generators available, and play at or outside of that bar. This idea was met with a look that said simply, "you can't be serious". I still think it's a good idea. It's good exposure. And, most importantly, it's Rock 'N' Roll. That is the point of Rock. Going where your not supposed to, and rocking. The water would recede with the power of rock. That red sea shit would have been much more believable if Jesus had a Fender. But, no, New Orleans will not be rocked. Because I am clearly an idiot for having such an idea. It would have been cool. But, I am getting off point here. There was one other thing I wanted to mention, the slutty part. One of the many people not leaving New Orleans just yet has found a way to get the police to patrol her block regularly. She flashes her pair when they drive by. The article refers to her as Ms. Hall at one point. Women who flash their breasts to strangers should never be spoken of in a formal sense. Thanks to the slutty woman and the drunks, the town will still not lose that whole "kinda cool, kinda dirty" thing it has had going on for so long.

The Bar Is Still Open
Ms. Hall, Are You Trying To Seduce Me?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Public Service Announcement

I'm only here to help.
G - Anus: If you really love him...


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The Saudi's Buy A Small Piece Of Murdoch's Ass

A Saudi prince has purchased a five percent stake in News Corp. to help his friend Rupert Murdoch out. Crazies, start your conspiracy hamster wheels.

"Special" Brea"K"ing News

Ketamine is a popular drug among partygoers.
And in other breaking news....
-Boys have penises.
-Girls have vaginas.
-Pacifiers make you look like an idiot.
-Techno died and it's obituary simply said "bleep, boom, boom, bleep, scratch..."
-When you sit at home making jewelry out of plastic and bright green objects your not cool, your an indian.
-Glowsticks won't get you laid, stop bringing them to clubs where I'm drinking, it makes me dizzy.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Chief Justice Johnny Boy?

President Bush is going to promote John Roberts to the Chief Justice of the Supremist Court in the land. This is not in keeping with the way the Bush administration usually does promotions. John Roberts hasn't even fucked up yet! Let alone even justiced yet, let alone enough to be chief justicing.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist Has Died

Fuck, here we go again!


Hurricane Katrina

If you haven't heard, due to drowning, living in a sewage filled sports arena, or fatigue from looting, you've been hit by a hurricane. With a pussy name like Katrina.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Constant Gardener

No, it's not a review. I like the commercial for this movie. Not, the movie itself. The snippet "praise for this film" stuff on the commercial. At one point, apparaently one reviewer said that this film is a cure for the "brainless" summer movies. Hollywood has resorted to insulting itself in it's own promotions.