Viagra, Why have you forsaken me?
The "evil devil worshipping liberal media" is awash with reports that all those wonderful pills that keep the collective american cock hard enough to fuck anything it sees, are now causing people to go blind. First discovered when Bob Dole started falling down more than usual. The FDA is now probing the situation (Their words, not mine). The old saying that love is blind is now a fact. Your mother warned you that if you kept playing with it, you would go blind. Oh, sweet irony, how good you look (to those not blind). The unfortunate users can still sustain their erections, however now need a seeing eye dog to find the pussy. I am thinking that this will not really affect sales that much. I would rather go blind than never have sex again. In a related story, Pfizer is now selling anti-blindness pills which you should ask your doctor about.
Saddam Hussein In Brief
Boxers or Briefs? Now that
that lingering question about the former dictator is answered, we can all rest. I must say though, that does look like a weapon of mass destruction. I always thought there was something to all those amateur pictures of army girls in Iraq that have popped up on
Now That's Fucked Up.com as of late. But this, the U.S. Military has my respect for this smash debut in porn. They claim to be investigating it and saying that it is "a breach of military policy". Yeah, So I guess those prisoners are definately totally secure, unless of course your from Playgirl Magazine.
Dammmn Yooouu Breast Cancer!!!!!
MSNBC is reporting that Kylie Minogue has been diagnosed with "early breast cancer". I guess that it is, not yet fully blossomed, late bloomer breast cancer? They of course, being cocksuckers, as it is called in the news industry, are focusing on the fact that it effects her ability to tour. Why not Britney Spears, she's not hot anymore. Why God? Take Britney! God works in mysterious ways my fuck'n ass. There is
no justice in this world.
Fuck...Fuck...God Damnit. How will Jake Shears of the Scissor Sisters (Buy the fuck'n Album) ever do his musical for Kylie now. Please God, or Science, save her. And don't remove one of her breasts. I can't listen to a uni-tit aussie pop singer.
MSNBC Article
The Office
A very late review. You might say: "Why even do this now?", "It has been around since September of 2001!", "Bit late isn't it?". Well I say to you, fuck you, I just got around to seeing it. I mean jesus christ this is my site, I can do things in my own course of time, can't I? Well now that that is out of the way. If you have not yet heard about this show, you should go back to the cave and stay there until we discover the ruins of your people in a few hundred years. I have only ever thought there were a handful of genius television shows out there. Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Sopranos, and of course Roseanne. Scrubs is right up there, but, not yet iconic. Now, the office. I knew that I had to watch this show when I watched, as many did, The Office beat out both Will And Grace and Friends. Friends, in it's final season for fuck's sake. I mean at the end when Rachel is speaking on the answering machine and Ross is in suspense. Did she get off the plane or not. Will they get together or not. Such a tense, romantic, shit, expected end. What crap. I had of course heard of The Office previously, though, everyone always says that about everything. But everyone had heard of this, though only like 5 people had probably seen it. Luckily those 5 people were Globes voters. The Office redefines what a sitcom can be. It shows that the in-between moments of your daily boring work day are absurdly funny in and of themselves. There are two types of characters in the show. One is the fool, who by simply being themselves are unwitting clowns, saying and doing the most inane things. The other is the character that is "in the know", more normal as it were, looking on in shock and awe at the fool acting, well, foolish, without knowing it of course. There are two types of viewers as well. If you "get it" you are like the characters who look on in amazement. If you don't understand the show, and this is key, you are that clown. The Office has boiled down to it's essence what it is like for us to stand in line and watch the lady at the register have to call a manager over because she screwed up your change. Or to be behind the guy at the airport that didn't know he couldn't bring a steak knife onto the plane. Or to be behind the person in traffic that stops at the flashing yellow light. You can't be mad these people, you just pity them and laugh to yourself. Well, sometimes you have to yell at them. But not when it is your boss. That is where this show comes in. All you can do is sit back and laugh, because you cannot point out the absurdity of what your fellow employees are saying, you must be polite. This show is simple, complete, amazing, never disappointing. I guarantee at least one orgasm. It is not just a big pair of tits. Just buy the fucking thing, really!
That Bitch Lied To Me!
Oh, Newsweek, you redheaded stepchild of TIME Magazine. First they say that officials at Gitmo (stupid name) are defacing the Quran to rattle the detainees. Now today they retract the story saying that the sources could not confirm the report. The interesting thing is that now Rummie, Condi, Sneezy and Dopey are freaking out about people being killed during this weekend's violence in Afghanistan. They attribute it to the article. There is no proof that the violence is linked to the protests against the idea that the Guantanamo Bay interrogators were flushing the Quran down the toilet to get information from their prisoners. The thing is that the White House has had the information on this article long before we did. They said nothing, they never said "Uh, you might want to take this bit out, cuz, it aint true". A similar thing happened when the whole Dan Rather debacle occured, they never said it was bullshit until the american public questioned it. They seem to have the tendency to just let a story go to print about them, just to see how it plays to the public, then react however they feel will be beneficial to themselves. Or, a more popular theory is that they are purposely playing the media and making them out to be clowns. Then the Republicans can come on every form of media in existence and rail against the liberal media being out to get them. Let it be said that I dont agree with the United States detaining people in places that are outside the Geneva Convention's reach, just so we can fuck with them in more creative ways. However, I dont really see the problem with fucking around with a guys religion when you want information from them. If a Christian was there and you wanted to put an upside down cross in his cell, all you are doing is insulting his religious superstitions to get a rise out of him. Why do you have to be so sensitive to a prisoners religion. When they die we don't even respect their burial rituals. So why does it have to be so different for the living. I mean it isn't as if they are leading them around on leashes and having them make naked cheerleader pyramids.
Drink And Blow
No, it's not about that time I brought home the guy I thought was a girl. A new LG phone that looks like a sports car. No problem. It comes with an alcohol breathalyzer. That's a little fucked up. It's a phone that is shaped like a car, that tells you if you are good to drive the life size version. "Oh your leaving the bar, blow my phone". Now with cellphone technology we can take our alcohol level and then later send our friends a picture of ourselves getting a DUI. You can't even count on an LG phone to not drop a call, now your supposed to trust it to not get you put in jail. If I see someone using this anywhere, I will be forced to drug their drink and later violate them with a sharpie marker. Not in a sexual way though, cuz that's immoral.
What The Hell Are You Doing Little Kim?
North Korea is going to detonate a fuckin' nuclear bomb underground, Probably. China is more like America than America. Under paid workers, bad movies, the goverment is a confederacy of dunces, and nobody votes. The Soviet Union....well.... let's just say that apparently political backstabbing (Stalin), a ruthless intelligence agency (Putin), and bread lines (Boris Yeltsin), I guess a great country these did not make. Kim Jong Il is so nutsy that he actually kidnapped a film director and an actress form South Korea and held them prisoner until they agreed to make a movie for him. This guy is obviously dumb enough to perform nuclear testing, and maybe just stupid enough to fuck it up and screw the environment up a little more. He thinks that this will make us step back and say "Oh, no, we can't fuck with him now". This is likely to have the opposite effect, I know this, because, I know americans. If we are told it is too dangerous to go somewhere, especially white people, we will walk right in at least to find out what the big deal is. This is the premise of every american horror movie. You might think he would figure that in. None of the recently dead or remaining communist countries are even near communist. Not the way Karl Marx thought it up. There sure wasn't anything in the manifesto about wearing high heels when in public. North Korea is to communism what McDonald's is to hamburgers. I don't think they are even trying over there. They have another famine like every third Tuesday. One thing I will say for North Korea. At least they don't have to sit through Girls Gone Wild infomercials all night. I would'nt mind seeing "Girls of The Peoples Republic of North Korea Gone Wild" Though. Kinda wordy. I guess that goes along with the whole democracy thing.
Boys and Girls
What is it about women, that everytime you are done talking to them, you are more confused about them than when you went into the conversation. It does not matter if they are a friend, girlfriend, employer, employee, or enemy. You never know where you stand with them. One minute they are treating you like you are a god, and the next you are a dog. Men have always worshipped women. Freud thought that every thought in men's minds was of direct result of them. In one small religion that oh so few people are followers of, women are the reason for original sin and the reason we are all supposedly born into sin and must repent for it through out our lives. Yet, we still worship them. Think about that a moment, if you happen to be one of the only few billion Christians out there, you do everything for that which cast you out of Eden. That's a little off! We buy big cars that are shiny so that they will see us. We make big salaries so that we can buy the shiny car and a castle fit for a queen, not a king. The king only needs some beer and a lazy-boy. It's the queen that we get the clothes for (You don't see many happy homeless couples, do you?). They are our religion. Their bodies our temples. Where we go to worship love. I myself don't get to church that often lately. Not even confession, whatever that would be in this vague metaphor. I'm not an aetheist in all of this. I worship women just like all of you. I just wish I could understand their intentions and their actions. Why do these women, the gods of love and security control our beings with such a tight grip. Can't we break free... No, we don't want to break free. If their was no god in our life, then we would be alone in the world and thats why we have gods in the first place. Why do women work in mysterious ways.
Project Redlight?
Project Greenlight is now over. Feast is the name of the film they have made. It is such a stupid name for a movie. But, it does look good. It is supposed to be a Evil Dead thing. That whole comedy horror mix, which is pretty hard to pull off. The Film will probably get a wide theatrical release. Likely in the fall. If not it will be in the art houses, or straight to dvd, like the Olsen twins. Kevin Smith was present at one of the screenings and was favorable upon it. Though he isn't really a genius critic of style and acting, he does make good movies still. If you see it coming out in any medium, I implore you to see it. Not because I am sure it will be a great movie, it won't be winning oscars. But, if enough people see it, than there could be another season of the show on some network. I say "some network" because the ratings were very low on Bravo. I mean, did you see it? No. It is what is called a critic's darling, which means that nobody who matters watches it. If there is another Project Greenlight, then there will be another contest for screenwriters and directors, which is a good thing for many people. There is not really anything on television or on the internet like this going on. Not nearly this high profile anyway. So see it.
I did not have sexual relations with that pop star
"I slept in the same room with him but nothing happened, well, maybe just this much"
Culkin claims that Michael Jackson did not touch his party monster while they were home alone. And with that his career was over. Macaulay Culkin could actually have been a good actor. But, now he will just go down in history as the one that wasn't good enough to get molested.
SAT Question
Disneyland- is to -Place where you can get lots of tasty candy.
As Neverland- is to ??
-large piece of candy offered by a strange pop star near a large cargo van with a monkey in it.
Show me on the map where he touched you.
Click on the picture and notice that #12 is the Teepee Village and #21 is Club KISS.
No it is not weird what so ever that a grown man sleeps in the same bed as children, haven't we all slept with an old man .
Update: Michael Jackson claims that the monkeys at Neverland Ranch were trained to "clean". They dust and shit I guess. And I also assume they are trained to clean body fluids out of bejeweled gloves.
John Bolton To Get On His Hands And Knees For Senate
The Congress did not like John Bolton's mustache ride and has passed his grumpy ass on to the senate without approval. That means that they don't like him enough to vote "Yes" on him, but they
will let someone else do it. This marks the first time our government passes a problem off for someone else to fix........today.
Rich Man Goes Crazy
"I'm locked up, bitch!"
That's right, apparently the reason that we have yet to see the new Chappelle Show episodes is that it's creator has crossed that thin line between genius and insanity. He has gone so crazy in fact that he has gone to South Africa for psychiatric care. Only a crazy person would go to South Africa for help of any kind. One would be curious to think that the 50 million dollars he has gotten from Comedy Central will be wanted back since he hasn't completed any of the standup sequences for the next season. Maybe he has gone so insane that he thinks he is a blind white man and has gone to South Africa to work on a new apartheid movement.
The Daily Show
The Daily Show will release it's first DVD on June 28, finally. The DVD will be coverage of their Indecision 2004 segments. It will cost around $28 and have 3 discs. Stephen Colbert (Left) will also be getting his own spinoff show which will be called "The Colbert Report" after one of his popular segments. I for one will probably be masturbating over the greatness of this DVD on June 28.
Mini Browser
Picture in picture internet, it is a working web browser complete with mini-Google. Yes goddamn it!, it works, try it.
Link
President Bush's energy policy, "energy independence" my ass!
I really do not like these men.
Rain
Christians immerse themselves in water for baptism.
Jews wash themselves in water to clear away their sins.
Muslims bath in water before death.
I am going to walk in the rain today to cleanse away all the things the shower can't.
.....and to cover all my bases.
I suggest we all do.
Requiem for an alcoholic
It is difficult to believe that a person addicted to the drink can self heal. Unless of course that persoon were on one of those porn sites that you get to watch what the person is doing all 24 hours of the day. That porn site would not make much money I think. I have never really understood the concept of being addicted to alcohol. Something you have to have on a daily basis or you don't feel alive. Like food, water, and shelter. An addiction becomes a necessity. Food, water, shelter and liqour. I don't get it. The closest I can come to understanding that is to understand addiction. I am addicted to love. From the moment I wake to the moment I drift off, in the back of my mind the lack of love in my life is constantly chipping away at my being. Making me feel less whole. A partial human. Only one half of whole. Like a hollowed out, cheap chocolate easter bunny. Fragile. Easily broken. Everyday I seek it. Everyday my stomach churns at the lack of it. Every silent moment is overtaken by it's loud demands. My heart is a force unto it's self. This addiction never sleeps, it sneaks in the shadows of the people in my dreams and taunts me like a court jester. A court where the jester is actually me and the king is love and the king is always unsatisfied with my performance and sends me to the gallows where I am the lone prisoner of love, alone.
Wow, I turned a friends fight with addiction into a diatribe about love, how solipsistic.
Truth
The president says coal is the future, 80 some odd percent of the energy budget goes to oil industry companies. The television says that the apprentice and American Idol aren't fixed. Fancy there never having been a finalist that was a woman and that this time there are 2 out of 2. The american idol is having sex with Paula Abdul. To be my idol you are going to have to do better than that. Fox news says that hollywood is elitist, but you can't really bitch when you made it our idol. Surely if the commandment of worshipping false idols is true than everyone who buys people magazine has a special place in hell. Britney Spears got pregnant and told us she wasn't. We checked the facts on that on and now an online casino has bought the pregnancy test that proved it. If Britney lied or if Brad and Jen broke up due to adultery, we have to know. "The american public deserve the truth" but, only if it only takes five minutes and we might buy the products you sell us after we here the truth. I can't be surprised that no one cares about truth anymore. We live in a country where poker, a game that awards the best liars that can gather around a table and out lie eachother, is on such a trend that the only kind of books at Walmart that there are more of than bibles are poker books. GE has commercials on television now that inform us as to the new safety precautions that make it, apparently according to the commercial, safe, fun and sexy to mine for coal. Yeah, a ton of hot chicks mining coal really does make me believe that coal is the future. Thanks GE. In a world where everyone wants to be lied to by their government and their media, how can I expect a girl to tell the truth. If you can't trust the president and General Electric, than there is no way to trust a beautiful woman.
Value
Why is it that people will inherently let you down. We would all seem to be hypocrites. They say They will do something for you and then because it is no longer beneficial to Them, They will leave you in the lurch you. No one really cares about anyone else. Suppose to help someone move, time comes and you don't feel like it, fuck'em. Suppose to call someone on a certain day or time, time comes and you've got better things to do, fuck'em. Someone asks you to take care of something for them, you lose it, it wasn't that important, fuck'em. People are selfishly self serving. When you get left by someone or ditched or ignored. You feel worthless. Then people go and say "Oh, no, don't feel bad, forget them, your not worthless". But, Yes! You are worthless, worthless to the person who didn't have time for you. Then you might say, "Why do you care what they think?" Good question, I cared what they thought and how they felt when I asked them to help me move/ take care of something for me/ see me/ call me/ kill me/ fuck me/ fuck me over. So now you would expect that denied person to just not care. No, that is just something people say to put a flesh colored bandage over a wound so that no one notices. If your not the kind of person that cares when you are made a toy of, then you should get into bondage and domination porn (gay B&D porn where applicable). When someone says they will do something for you and then ditches, forsakes, abandons, deserts you they are saying you, at that moment are worthless to them. You are without any worth to them. Money has worth to me only because of what it can get me. It seems that people are the same on that bit. I am only worth as much as I can do for you at that moment. In careers, in marriage, in prison, in sports, in school, in the supermarket, in life and in love. People keep you or I around because they want something from us now or think they will eventually. How useful are you to the people you see or talk to on a daily basis? I cannot do anything for anyone. My value is very low. What is your value?
Lucidity
My dreams are nightmares. My nightmares are nightmares. However, if I drink enough, I don't dream, then when I wake up I don't have anything to be depressed about. I will deal with a hangover for that.
No Title
Why do we always want the fantasy? What makes the fantasy so fantastic (for lack of a better word)? When you actually get what you want, it is never as good as "how it was supposed to be". I want to fall in love with "her". Then "she" can betray my trust. "She" can have more male friends than I've had drinks today. They all want to sleep with "her", like pigeons at the park patiently waiting for their breadcrumbs. "They are only friends", Either "she" is a LIAR, or "she" is unaware. Very unaware. Almost too unaware (not supposed to be funny, but, kind of is).
I am having trouble with my re-entry, into the world. Re-entry is a term for people in AA, I use it for reality. I am afraid of SUCCESS, WOMEN, FAILURE, and all the other things you pretend to have no fear of.
If I was to actually one day be able to mildly, humbly succeed and make a mildly good film and secure some kind of menial career, I would be disappointed and still hate it. We never really want what we really want. We want a fantasy of it. A version of what could be reality. Not, what the reality would actually turn into. That fantasy of love and success in life cannot actually occur. Why, because we happen to the fantasy, we always fantasize about what we are not and what we want to be. In the end, we end up in what ever version of the fantasy actually happens, we fuck up the fantasy. Because, if the fantasy happened, I saved the world and got the girl and lived happily ever after, I would have to kill myself. I would not have anything else to dream about. Nothing else to work for. Nothing else to hope for. No hope, that sucks. I am an optimistic cynic, I am a contradiction. Human! We all want others to act the opposite that we do, then we can try to be like them.
